Redskins? Let’s Change All The NFL Team Names

Vox posted this morning about the mounting pressure for the Washington Redskin’s to change their name.

The effort to get Washington’s professional football team to change its name continues apace. On Friday morning, team owner Daniel Snyder opened up the floor internally for an official review of the name, following the news on Thursday that federal officials informed team owner Snyder that he must change the team’s name from “Redskins” if he wants to relocate to the site of RFK Stadium. Later in the day, FedEx released a statement indicating that it had asked “the team in Washington” to change its name. According to a report from AdWeek, FedEx was among a group of corporations (including Nike and PepsiCo) whose investors wrote to them requesting that they end their relationships with Washington unless the team changes its name. The letters to FedEx, Nike and PepsiCo were from 87 investment firms and shareholders worth a collective $620 billion. 

Snyder has previously stated that he would never change the team’s name…

This is a perennial battle that has taken place over the past decade (possibly longer) with numerous professional and college programs. I think it will become even a greater issue once the SJW’s collect a few more scalps… sorry. I, for one, have been a lifelong fan of the Florida State Seminoles. And even though allegedly the Seminole Nation has endorsed the use of their name in this instance, I have my doubts that the legend of Chief Osceola, who survived the white man through some of the costliest and protracted wars of US history, may not survive the Year 0 Neo-Marxists.

No one needs to be told how juvenile this all is. No one cares about these supposed rayciss sport’s team names. If anything, they honor the people who they are named after. And as far as parties who don’t actually give a shit, we are most certainly including the SJWS’s themselves. You know a lot fedora wearing soy boys or bra burning purple hairs that come over to your house on Sunday and watch football? Me neither. This is about conquering territory. It is especially about gaining ground in arenas amongst people who most detest this type of non-sense, you know, normal people.

Here to demonstrate just how hypocritical and opportunistic this particular issue has become is one of my favorite punching bags: Alyssa Milano.

Wait for it…

In case you don’t know what Alyssa Milano looks like… this is her. Literally, modeling Redskins gear.

Anyway, this whole name change thing got me thinking that it would be much more palatable if instead of constantly reviewing each team name’s sufficient level of wokeness year after year in light of consecutive year 0’s, we just rip off the proverbial bandaid and evaluate all of the team names’ at once.

Without further ado, let’s be critical of each NFL team name, anticipate further wokeness, make a decision, and then suggest an alternative that is appropriate for each municipality. When it doubt, I’ll simply type in the city’s name into a Google search and see what the region is associated with. After all, Google is fairly SJW friendly.

Redskins and Chiefs obviously have to go, so we won’t even bother with them. Hell, let’s go ahead and throw Browns in the same category.

The first and largest group of NFL team names that are axiomatically evil are any team named after an animal. This is egregious Specieism.

Arizona Cardinals –> Arizona Saguaros
Atlanta Falcons –> Atlanta Coca-colas
Baltimore Ravens –> Baltimore Joggers
Buffalo Bills –> Buffalo Tofu Wings
Carolina Panthers –> Carolina Swaying Trees
Chicago Bears –> Chicago Winds
Cincinnati Bengals –> Cincinnati Chili’s
Miami Dolphins –> Miami Aqua Force
Los Angeles Rams –> Southern California Pedophiles (‘Los Angeles’ is not inclusive towards materialists)
Denver Broncos –> Denver Kush
Detroit Lions –> Detroit Lockdowns
Philadelphia Eagles –> Philadelphia Love
Indianapolis Colts –> Mid-Western Flyovers (‘Indianapolis’ is derogatory to Native Peoples)
Jacksonville Jaguars –> North Florida Sunshine (‘Jackson’ was rayciss)
Seattle Seahawks –> Seattle Soy Peoples

Next, any team name that seems to endorse an oppressive culture has to go. “Wait,” you might say, “If Redskins had to go because it was offensive to oppressed groups, then wouldn’t at least be okay to have team names that were offensive towards groups who are seen as evil.” The fatal error in this logic is that it assumes this process has anything to do with logic. Let us proceed.

Los Angeles Chargers –> So Cal Waves (See Above for Los Angeles)
Minnesota Vikings –> Minnesota Cuckolds
New England Patriots –> New England Globalists
New Orleans Saints –> New Orleans AIDS
New York Giants –> New York Pizzas
Oakland Raiders –> Oakland Tupacs
Pittsburgh Steelers –> Pittsburg Clean Rivers
San Francisco 49ers –> San Francisco Sodomites
Tampa Bay Buccaneers –> Tampa Bay Buried Treasures
Tennessee Titans –> Tennessee Guitars
Houston Texans –> Houston Obesity’s
Dallas Cowboys –> Dallas Brokebacks

That leaves the two team names that can stay… for now.

New York Jets
Green Bay Packers- I have no idea what a “Packer” is. But it sounds really gay, so it should be fine.

#NFL #Redskins #RedskinsNameChange #ChangeTheName #Racism #TheTimeIsNow

Thank you Mattward on SG for the Dallas name change suggestion.

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